Thursday, October 04, 2007

Clash

Past few days some things had begun to bother me, things about myself that I could not understand, the uneasiness, that I have lived with for years but not questioned it until recently. I was unaware of what the reasons for it were and hence it was difficult to comprehend and express those thoughts clearly. Maybe now I can, thanks to an excellent and insightful book on psychology that I happen to read last evening that has come to the rescue. I am still working on the solution although, the problem is clearer. I do believe, accepting that there is a “problem” is half the problem solved.

I have come to realize what I always felt that, as long as I am working, thinking about my work, creating, and “in my own world” I feel at home and I am happy. That world always seemed more real to me than the external world. And, when I am not working or creating due to a mind block or because of other reasons, I do not know what to do with myself. I feel chaotic, lack of control stemming from lack of understanding of people or situations. Consciously, I have not tried to escape to my inner world or use it as a distraction from the outside world. I have just not felt the need to really acknowledge and respect the existence of the external world the way I should have and I guess this is where I faltered. At present what I am facing is a clash between both these worlds, the world inside, the one I want to be to a part of and, the outside world that I need to or have to accept in order to survive.

Before I decided to embark on the career that I am pursuing now, I was aware of it’s implications in terms of withdrawing myself more from the outside world, of loosing myself more to myself and of going deeper into my shell, I was not aware of the severe symptoms of this withdrawal, the ones I am facing now. It is like waking up suddenly from a very deep sleep and not knowing where I am, kind of lost. Now, I have to find my way

The book that I am reading is “Beyond Fear” by Dorothy Rowe. I have just started to read it and there is much more to know and understand.

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